Inner Child

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Lessons in Love...

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Lessons in Love...

‘I am curious about your use of the word allow.’

My breath caught in my throat, tightness grabbed at my heart, and for a second the sense of vertigo was there, I was on the precipice looking down.  What had she seen, what had I shown, and why did she hone in on that phrase. 

‘I want to offer you some words… notice what happens when you hear them…. It’s OK to allow yourself to be loved.’ 

I turned in, felt the instability in my seat, felt myself twisting just a bit as I looked into that place where it felt scary. 

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Enduring love.....

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Enduring love.....

In the moment, she asks me to feel into the place where the longing lives, where the desire to reach out to others arises.  I find myself moving my right hand to reach toward someone who is not there, reaching for something that is elusive, something just out of reach.  Drawing my attention to the feeling, she asks me to stay with the longing, to sink into it, let it fill me up, let it flicker to life within me in a deep way.  I notice the ache in my heart for comfort and love, the ache in my heart to be held close, and the voice in my head tells me it is not possible.  Skillfully she notices that change, asking me about this voice, she offers to say those words out loud so I can study them more closely.  Hearing those words shifts the longing to a deeper place, and unconsciously my hands begin to cradle my face.

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The missing piece

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The missing piece

My heart tapped upon my shoulder this morning, asking me to get up earlier than usual, it had something important to show me. I tried to ignore the request, but it was being asked with such yearning, I found myself getting up and walking down the stairs.    The alarm that would wake me was still several hours away, the house was in that deep quiet darkness, when the moon has set, and the sun is still hours from rising. Sitting on my cushion, turning my attention in, a longing within me began to grow, so I settled to listen to the story that my Heart had to tell. 

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Stepping toward fear...

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Stepping toward fear...

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I am struck by the honesty of this quote, there is a deep truth within this understanding, there is a fear in moving, edging closer to the deep truth that lays within us all.  This has been the 11th block of a 15-block training in Hakomi Mindful Somatic Psychotherapy, and as per usual, I am sitting at the Newark Airport feeling a little shaken up by the process. 

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Needing to be helpful.....

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Needing to be helpful.....

Sometimes Medicine wants more than you can give, and there are many times in the past when I’ve given Medicine everything I had and a little bit more. These days, I give medicine what it deserves and nothing more. I don’t spend myself into debt for Medicine, I don’t empty my emotional banks to make sure that Medicine is full, I do what I can and when I get to the end of what I have to give Medicine, I stop.

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The inner child...

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The inner child...

He is watching me as I go about my morning.  I can feel him just below the surface, noticing what I am up to.  He is ever curious, this little one, and lately he has not been far away.  I can hear his questions about what I am doing, why I am doing it, and what it all means.  He is always asking ‘Why?’ and as often as I can, I work to answer his questions.  He did not used to visit me at all, and for the longest time, I did not know he existed.